Surgery Date Set. Let’s Get This Party Started.
I guess, considering my state of ill-health and morbid obesity for nearly half my life, it could be considered no small miracle that I’ve only ever had surgery once (I am not counting when I had my wisdom teeth out, K). The kind where you get the warnings about anesthesia and you get to breathe the funny gas & count back from 100 but usually only make it to 92, then wake up confused as hell w/ cotton mouth & they start taking your vitals like every 4 hours so you can’t sleep.. ok, I digress. You get the point. I’ve had some outpatient procedures, but only one real surgery – to have my gallbladder out in 2004.
After much internal debate and dialog and conversing with everyone & their brother & flipping coins & stuff, I decided to let them schedule me when I finally got the call. I’ll be having spine surgery in late May. This is a big one, because we’re talking people literally getting on my nerves & if something goes very wrong, I could be getting some new wheels (flames, baby!) & needing to build upper body strength ASAP.
I will admit that one of the main reasons I never went for gastric bypass surgery when I was 330 pounds, was I didn’t want to be remembered for having died during that procedure. As much as I would hate to leave my kids, husband, family, friends, still – this legacy is soothing, rather than terrifying or embarrassing. I know I’m healthier now, too, than I was at 330. Odds are that I will come through with flying colors, feel better afterwards, and recover on a better path than all the not-doing-surgery back pain episodes have taken. As much as I love Paleo and CrossFit (with their emphasis on core stability which is crucial for my back) I just don’t know that I can go that route & recover to the extent I need to in order to have the quality of life I desire now. The list of what I can’t accomplish is still too long.
I think my biggest fear is voluntarily going back to painful & limited movement. Had I been able to do the surgery at the height of my latest painful episode, there would have been no question about feeling better afterwards. However, I’ve been feeling pretty good, considering how bad things got. Then, there’s that. Do I really want to put this surgery off & wait until I’m crippled by pain, muscle spasms, leg numbness & weakness again? Not so much. So, there it is. The workings of why I’m opting for surgery after all.
I’ve also been hamster-wheeling my food choices lately. There is a whiff of dissatisfaction with Paleo & ‘restrictive’ eating to be found on the Interwebs these days, & like a sore tooth, I’ve been poking it. Am I unhappy with my Paleo? No. I’m at peace with my food choices & what they’ve brought my health to. Am I unhappy with my circumstances preventing me from being CrossFit-level active – YES. My body composition has changed for the worse. My home has fallen to a level of dirty and disorganized that makes me sad and anxious.
As much as I would like to have all the good things back, my spine stands in my way. No puns intended.
I do not know what the future holds for my spine, for me, for all the relationships around me, for my home, for me staying Paleo through all this, getting back to cooking & keeping us Paleo, for activity or exercise or CrossFit-level stuff, or for the distant future w/ the natural spine fusion that’s in progress & could take decades more. I just don’t have the power to see how it will all turn out. I can only hope that this one choice will set us off on a good tangent. I’m hoping/praying that there is enough good to come out of this surgery to warrant the cost financially & in time lost recovering.
I’ve had a motto since my youth: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and enjoy the ride. Still applicable.
I promise to blog as soon as I’m able after the surgery so you know how I’m doing.
Filed under: General Posts | 1 Comment
Tags: back injury, depression, diabetes, elimination diet, exercise, gluten-free, health, paleo