#Bipolar; Medication Evaluation; Finding my Mania

30Sep12

I’m not sure if I’ve posted here about my hours-long frenzied cooking sessions, or my lopped off fingertips, accidental self-stabbings, Attention-Deficit-Disorder distractibility, food flinging like the Swedish Chef, using the smoke alarm as a kitchen-timer – type cooking style. I learned Friday that it’s not my style, per se, it’s often mania. I do the same with cleaning. Often stress or upset or guilt can trigger a cooking or cleaning session. I just figured I was Jewish in a previous life. But, because I’ve been very solidly depressed this last month, since Bionic Boy broke his thigh, it was extremely clear to me when I switched to mania.

It happened after my meeting with the psychologist on Friday to discuss medication as a possibility. Long story short, we both agreed that it’s early days & I don’t seem ready to make a commitment to that treatment course just yet. I expressed that I wanted to give therapy a try for a few months and see how that helps. If things are not improving, then I will definitely go back to the psychiatrist & start that process.

Interestingly enough, she mentioned that Kava is not as helpful for mania as I’d thought – it’s great for anxiety, but if I’m taking the wrong things for bipolar, it could make it worse. So, I need to do some more research. Ideas?

After that meeting, I started getting wound up, went shopping and spent more than I’ve ever spent at this particular grocery store, went home and proceeded to thrash my kitchen & threaten some fingers again. I felt ADHD, actually, for about 24 hours. Rapid speech.. i.e.. babbling. Racing thoughts, actions. Less care for safety or cleanliness in the kitchen. I was giggly and hyper that night.

I’ve done this kitchen dance so many times, I’ve just never tagged it as mania. But, in hindsight, it probably is. It’s also very cyclical. I used to pass it off as I couldn’t stand in the kitchen 3 times a day cooking, so I’d cook enough food for three days for 4 people in one fell swoop. This also explains why I would burn out & not want to wash all those dishes or clean up my mess in the kitchen until I *needed* to cook again. & the depression was covered by the disability with my back. I’ve done bare minimum and dragged myself through cooking enough to keep us fed this last month – so it was easier to see the difference when I got manic.

I think what made the patterns acceptable until the last 5 months (relatively speaking) was they were more productive than destructive. I never had more than flesh wounds, or slightly-charred foods, and horrendous messes to catch up on – which sometimes got fixed by manic cleaning/organizing jags.

I also have developed many safeguards to prevent some of the other typical impulse-control behaviors seen in bipolar folks – all as part of my attempt to get healthier and lose weight. The most I spend money on anymore is our grocery and household stuff; I’m sure I was worse in that department, bipolar-wise, before my husband took over all the $ stuff – so my husband keeps me in check on that, to some degree. (But, I have agreed to refrain from even grocery shopping if I am in a recognized manic state.) I don’t smoke anymore, I rarely get drunk anymore, I don’t do drugs or abuse pain meds for my back or anything. I don’t generally go and eat crap food, though I still think about going in to the See’s place near where we live, every-time I drive by. I just know that if I cave to refined sugar, my back will start hurting like crazy again & I will need to go back to using the cane.

Paleo has helped tremendously by making cravings almost nonexistent (except maybe bacon). If you follow my blog, you probably remember how after Colorado & taking care of my dying-of-lung-cancer Dad, I did cave to stress eating. I’m sure I drank more alcohol after Colorado, too. Until I tightened up my Paleo again. I’d be tested again, & tempted by all the avoidance behaviors I used to indulge in, during stressful events since then, most especially the week+ in the hospital with Bionic Boy, and start to eat convenient foods that aren’t optimal choices. I haven’t been interested in being strict Paleo since BB went into the hospital, until 4? 5? days ago. I think today is day 5, but I lost a day yesterday because I was out the door to my Mom’s early & didn’t get home until dinner time & by then all I cared about was eating my weight in bratwurst. Thanks to that trip & all the other shopping & the CSA (& bipolar?), our fridge, pantry, and deep freezer are now *full*. Can’t go shopping again until we eat some of this stuff. LOL

So, whatever day I’m on, I’m still going strong. Yesterday I had black coffee, bacon & four fried eggs, two bratwurst w/ mustard & sugar-free ketchup, and an entire seedless cucumber diced up with red wine vinegar, olive oil, and sea salt. Oh, and some decaf chai tea for dessert.

Got my books yesterday – The Mood Cure and Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families. I thumbed through The Mood Cure, and I think it will be very useful. My *job* will be to read these books this week. & do the research on options for mania, etc.

 

Filed under: Paleo/Primal WOL   |  1 Comment
Tags: addiction, bacon, batch cooking, depression, detox, diabetes, emotional eating, paleo, Primal, supplements